I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately. It’s not just the blog; I’ve been avoiding Facebook, Ravelry, and even real life. I’ve been fighting depression for decades, but these past few months, it’s been kicking my ass. Honestly, if it wasn’t for the kids, the dogs, and the chickens, some days I wouldn’t even get out of bed.
Did I forget to tell you we have chickens?
Depression sucks for a number of reasons, but one of the most infuriating can be the well meaning reaction of people around you…
ME: “I’ve been depressed recently”
THEM: “Oh, really? Why?”
ME (thinking): Oh my god, I don’t know why!! If I knew why, I’d fix it! Stabbity stabbity stab!!!!!
ME (out loud): “Hmm, I don’t know; just tired I guess…”
The world has made great strides in accepting mental illness and better living through chemistry, but we still want to know reasons why. Why are you sad? Why are you anxious or paranoid? Why? Why why why? If we only knew the reasons why, we could fix it!
It’s taken me a very long time to admit it to myself, but there is no reason why. I’m sad sometimes. It’s not from watching too much news or who got the better land deal. Those are just excuses. I could be living the perfect life and I’d still be sad sometimes. I don’t need to justify my depression or be embarrassed by it, any more than I would justify or be embarrassed by having diabetes. Both diseases, at their most basic levels, are simply chemical imbalances.
So, here’s to admitting chemical imbalances without justification or embarrassment! I promise I won’t wear my mental illness on my sleeve (ugh can anyone say emotional vampire?) but I will be honest about it. I only ask that you please try not to ask why…
To badly paraphrase Yoda: There is no why, only do.
Been there, done that. No, actually, am here, am doing that. It’s a bitch. I don’t see any more reason to be embarrassed by it, or feel the need to go all PITY ME, any more than if we were diabetic. It’s something to deal with and it’s a lifelong thing. You’re not alone. Glad you’re coming out of the deep pit (I hope).
Hon… I’ve been there my entire life. I’m one of the lucky ones that has found a med that works and works well… but there are still times where that damn black hole starts grabbing at my ankles. I HATE it with a passion and it makes me so mad but the only thing that really seems to help is remembering to love myself, get plenty of animal time in and wait it out. There is no rhyme or reason. I, too, get pretty reclusive when things are bad. Sometimes it’s good enough to just know you aren’t alone.
HUG
Iz serious. It’s also destructive in that it won’t let you enjoy the time we have on this little bit of floating rock.
The good thing nowadays is, even though there’s still the “why,” at least there’s also the “because.” And that leads to the best word: “help.”
From one who fights the fight daily… do what you can, girlfriend. It’s all we can do.
As someone else living with depression I know what you’re going through. I once had a guy tell me, “at some point you have to make a choice to be happy.” I wanted to kill him. With depression, you have no choice. You can’t decide to be happy and then you’ll be happy. Having others around you try to make you happy doesn’t work. The chemicals in your brain are off. Period. Good luck. We’re here for you.
I’m sorry you’e been struggling lately. I hope that contentment finds its way to you very soon, and stays for a good long time.
I completely understand and feel for ya! I’m struggling a little with it myself the last couple weeks. Sometimes the best thing I can do is wander out and watch the chickens or cuddle and collect a little fiber from Caramel! Just get out of the house! I came by to see how Caramel’s original mama was doing on her new farm. Looks like the move was great and I hope that you are enjoying it all a little more very soon.